Maddy – Page 2 – Souper Charged Life

The most important relationship in your life is the one that you have with yourself. Why? Because if you don’t value yourself, you’re not kind to yourself and you don’t believe in yourself, how can you achieve your goals and live the life you want to live? Often, on the surface level, we think that we are being kind to ourselves, but the reality can be somewhat different. Your subconscious thoughts might be holding you back and impacting your happiness. If you’d asked me 6 months ago, I would have said that I was being kind to myself. It wasn’t until I started to really think about it, that I realised my inner voice and behaviour didn’t back that up. I was actually being extremely critical of myself, but hadn’t noticed. All of this seemed hidden from me at the time, but… There were signs of it EVERYWHERE. Let me show you what I mean… I’d go for a run, but instead of coming back feeling good about it, I’d be thinking “I wasn’t very fast, I must work on that”.I’d be invited to see friends and I’d be worrying about what to wear because I needed to fit in and be “liked” – what I was telling myself was that it wasn’t ok to turn up as “me”, I had to be who I thought they wanted me to be.I’d get to the end of a productive, busy day of work and instead of focus on all I had achieved, I’d look at my long list of things I hadn’t done that day.I’d think about how I hadn’t seen my Mum for a while and beat myself up (despite a really understanding Mum and a very busy schedule!).I even wrote my first blog post for Souper Charged Life, asked my husband to read it, and then quickly asked “Is it really bad? It’s probably rubbish”. I feel exhausted even reading that list, let alone living like that every single day. Maybe you do this too? In this post, I hope to get you thinking about some questions that will help you decide if you are being kind enough to yourself. 1. What’s your reaction when you look at yourself in the mirror? I want you to actually do this... Go and look at yourself in the mirror right now. Now be totally honest. What’s your instant reaction? Do you like the person staring back at you? Or are you (like most people) immediately criticising yourself? Most people can’t look in the mirror without being critical of who they see. 91% of women do not like how they look. 50% of men and women can’t even look at themselves in the mirror. Mel Robbins We get fixated on what we see as “flaws”, focusing entirely on our appearance; we don’t look deeper, we don’t see the true person staring back at ourselves. 2. When you get to the end of the day, do you feel dissatisfied with what you have achieved? Despite having been productive, do you look at your long ‘to do’ list and focus on all the things you haven’t done? If this is you, you’re living your life from a place of lack, telling yourself that you haven’t done enough. Every day. Often, what’s actually happened is you’ve worked REALLY hard that day, you’ve achieved a lot. But you ignore it. All you can see is the work still to be done. This is not a kind way to treat yourself. 3. Do you struggle to switch off and rest, and feel like you should always be doing something? Surely you shouldn’t be watching Netflix or playing a computer game when there’s still so much left on your to do list? This feeling of always needing to be busy and to be achieving something is exhausting, and it’s definitely not good for your health or self-worth. It comes from a place of insecurity. You get caught in the vicious cycle of feeling the need to do, do, do, then maybe one day you’ll have done enough. Ironically, while striving to make your life better all the time, to the point that you can’t stop or have a break, what you’re actually doing is sacrificing your health, wellbeing and happiness and not giving yourself what you really need: a rest. Our dog, Ajax is a great role model when it comes to rest! "The rest you feel so reluctant to give yourself is the very thing you need the most to achieve everything that you want in your life". 4. Do you often experience a feeling of guilt? This feeling of guilt could be about anything – maybe it’s over the slice of cake you ate at lunchtime, the exercise class you missed, for shouting at your kids, or for not checking in on your neighbour. It doesn’t really matter what it is, but frequently feeling like this is a sure sign that you’re not being kind to yourself. When you’re busy blaming yourself for all these things you haven’t done, you’re ignoring all the things you have done that day. Guilt is a horribly toxic feeling. It can really take over your thoughts, and tells you that you’ve fallen short, or let yourself or others down somehow. Of course, guilt isn’t ever really about the other person. It’s about your own insecurities, a need to be loved, and to be seen as good enough. How often are you feeling guilty? 5. What do you tell yourself about yourself? This might take some thought and self-discovery to truly understand, but it’s a really worthwhile exercise. I suggest getting a notepad and writing this down. What do you believe about yourself? What do you think you’re capable of? Or not capable of? What limiting beliefs do you have about what you can achieve? Here are some examples… “I’d love to be a runner, but I’m too old/ fat/slow…”“I’d love to get married, but I’ll never meet someone, everyone’s already taken”. “I’ll never have enough money… you need to do well at school to get a good job, and I didn’t”. When you start to write down what you believe about yourself, notice the language you use. Is it punishing? Critical? Negative? Language is so important… it’s how you’re speaking to yourself all the time. Many of us spend years telling ourselves that things won’t work out for us, and that we don’t deserve to be happy. Of course, none of this is true, it’s just a narrative we’ve been telling ourselves. 6.When did you last do something really fun, that excited you? Many of us don’t prioritise what we enjoy. We get so busy with life, we put off our hobbies and passions. Sometimes we get so busy that we don’t even know what we enjoy doing anymore. One of the quickest ways to be kinder to yourself is to make some time for something that you enjoy. Even just 10 minutes. How does it make you feel? If you’re not sure what you enjoy doing, think back to what you used to enjoy when you were growing up. Maybe you loved painting, reading, dancing around the kitchen, doing a jigsaw puzzle. Half way through a VERY difficult 1000 piece puzzle I completed recently! If you’re rarely getting the chance to do something that you enjoy, you are telling your subconscious brain that what you want doesn’t matter. This isn’t a kind way to live. A word of caution on this one… For some people, when they think about when they have the most fun, they immediately think of holidays. I think we need to be careful if a vacation is the only time when we feel at our happiest. There’s nothing wrong with having a holiday, but if it’s the only time you relax and enjoy yourself, then it’s a sign that this is missing from your day-to-day life. Do you feel like you need to escape your everyday life to be able to enjoy yourself? 7.How do you feel when you fail at something? Unfortunately for many of us, rather than seeing a mistake or a failure for what it is, which is just that – a “failure”, we often take it one step further, and see it as a personal failing. In our minds, we are “the failure”, which affects our sense of identity and self-worth. Let’s take a common example. Perhaps you applied for a job and didn’t get it. How does it make you feel? Do you use this as another example of how you always mess up, and you’ll never achieve anything in life? Or, do you try to learn from the experience – what could you improve on? What could you work on so that you do get the job next time? Many people get stuck by banking all their failings as evidence of why they will never be good enough. This is a very damaging mindset, and holds you back. The good news is that you can choose another way to think about failure. Every challenge or setback you face can be an opportunity to learn and to grow. Any broken relationship, job you didn’t get or exam you failed can be devastating and really hard, but it can always be reframed. It might not be easy to see this right now, but it’s entirely possible. You always have a choice. What would you rather, live your life feeling down about yourself, or view setbacks as a chance to learn and grow, moving you closer to where you want to be? 8.Do you know what you’re good at? Get out your notepaper and write down a list of things you’re good at, or that are good about you. This could be activities – swimming, cycling, cooking, writing, playing an instrument. Or it could be qualities that you have – maybe you’re a good listener, a kind, caring, compassionate friend, or you make people laugh. How easy is it to make this list? If you find this hard, or you struggle to know what good qualities you have, this is a sign that you’re used to being critical of yourself. You’re focusing on the negative things about you, not all your amazing qualities that are unique and amazing to you. If you’re struggling with this, try to really sit and think about it. It could be as simple as ‘I’m good at always being on time” or “I bake delicious cakes”. You don’t have to be the best in the world at it. Just take a moment to recognise that you have valuable skills, no matter how basic they may seem. Try not to go and ask family or friends what they think, otherwise your list isn’t going to be things you genuinely believe. You need to start realising your own internal value, rather than depending on what others say or think about you. 9.When you go out, do you wear whatever you like, or do you dress in a way that you think will be acceptable to others? I used to really struggle with this. I’d feel the need to look a certain way in order to fit in. What I was basically telling myself was that I wasn’t good enough just the way I was. I felt pressure to wear the ‘right’ outfit to fit in with the friends or colleagues I was meeting, and heaven forbid, what would happen if I turned up with my natural curly, slightly messy hair! I’d go for dinner with some friends and knowing that they always dressed smartly and looked immaculate, I’d feel that I had to do the same. So, I’d make sure my hair was tidy, make up was perfect, and my clothes were smart enough for them to approve of me. I didn't feel like me, but that didn't matter. (I later realised it really did matter!). It used to exhaust me before I’d even left the house. If you do this too, what you’re telling yourself is that the real you isn’t good enough, unless you change in some way. 10.How often do you say sorry? Are you apologising for things that aren’t even your fault? Let me give you a recent example in my life. In our business, we started to use a new software. On an introductory call with the company, they said that for some reason our dashboard wasn’t working properly. I immediately said I was sorry, and that I hoped I hadn’t done anything wrong. I hadn’t even used the software yet. WHAT WAS I APOLOGISING FOR!? This couldn’t have possibly been my fault. I do this all the time. It drives my husband crazy, and he has to say to me almost daily, “Maddy, stop saying sorry”. When you say sorry all the time, it’s never actually about the person you’re apologising to – it’s about you. If you do this too, it suggests that you’re always feeling the need to apologise for who you are. It comes from a place of insecurity, and a fear of not being good enough. The Good News... If going through these questions has been difficult for you, and they have made you realise that you’re not being as kind to yourself as you’d like to, it’s ok. In fact, it's a good thing, because the first step to changing anything in your life is awareness. The good news is that it's entirely possible to change the relationship with yourself, and to be much kinder and more compassionate. And when you do, you'll feel much happier and achieve far more than you ever imagined was possible. In the next blog posts, we’ll explore how we go about doing this.