True health, wellbeing and happiness starts and ends with two fundamental questions: Are you kind to yourself? Do you like yourself?
When you think about living a healthier, happier life, you tend to focus on what you should be “doing”, or perhaps what you should stop doing. Maybe you start a new exercise class, try to get more sleep, eat less sugar, or drink more water. These are all great tools to live a healthier life, but I’ve learnt that for many of us, this will only get you so far. We are often missing the most fundamental part of living a happier life.
True health, wellbeing and happiness starts and ends with two fundamental questions:
- Are you kind to yourself?
- Do you like yourself?
If you’re rolling your eyes at this point, or thinking “this sounds fluffy” (like I would have done 12 months ago), stick with me… Trust me, this is really important.
Take a minute to reflect on what your answers are to those questions. Perhaps they trigger you, because you know you’re not kind to yourself. Or perhaps your gut reaction is “Of course I like myself”. Maybe these questions make you cringe (like they did for me). Or maybe you’ve never thought about it before. Whatever your response, it’s worth delving deeper. And by the way, if it makes you cringe, you definitely need to keep reading!
A year ago, I would’ve thought this all sounded a bit ‘airy-fairy’; what’s the point in sitting around thinking about whether I like myself!? I would have instinctively thought “well of course I am kind to myself”; what a daft question!
Are you your own biggest critic?
When I really thought about it, I realised there was often a voice in my head, and that voice was always being critical – Maddy, you should have done X, you haven’t phoned Y, you could have done that bit of work better, you’re not doing enough exercise, you just had chocolate when you should have had an apple. You haven’t called your Mum, you haven’t seen your nephews for 2 months. Get off Instagram. What’s wrong with you?!!
And it was CONSTANT.
All the time. Negative self-talk, all day, every day, from the tiniest things to the bigger things. When I tuned in to it, I heard this negative voice in my head ALL THE TIME. I just didn’t always recognise it for what it was.
“Negative self-talk, all day, every day, from the tiniest things to the bigger things. When I tuned in to it, I heard this negative voice in my head ALL the time.”
I’ve since learnt that I am not alone. Most people do this to some degree, and we do it far too much. We’re constantly telling ourselves all the things we should have done. And when you become aware of yourself doing it, you can see how destructive it is, how much those thoughts don’t serve you, and how exhausting it is to live like that.
When you talk yourself down, you’re subconsciously telling yourself that you need to be different in some way. You don’t feel good enough just as you are.
Most of us aren’t treating ourselves with the kindness we deserve. (And yes, you do deserve it).
We all need to be kinder to ourselves. How does criticising yourself all the time actually help you? If it worked, we’d all be wildly successful and living our dream lives.
But it doesn’t. It holds us back, it squashes us down, it makes us feel stuck. It makes us feel lost.
The Problem With Saying Yes
Maybe you don’t fill your head with negative self-talk, but you over commit yourself and prioritise everyone else, instead of what you need.
Do you bend over backwards for others without a second thought?
Maybe you’re always there to help out…
Can you babysit my kids? “Yes of course I can”. Do you want to meet up at the weekend? “Yes, I’d love to.” Can you look after my dog next weekend?” Yes, absolutely!” Do you want to come out for drinks this weekend? “100% I’ll be there, I wouldn’t miss it…”
On their own, these things can sound trivial, and often enjoyable. Of course you want to see your friends and help people out. But the point is, if you are always over committing your time, what you’re telling yourself is that what you need isn’t important. You end up feeling exhausted and drained, with no time for yourself.
Does this sound familiar to you? Are you always saying “yes”? Are you there for everyone else, being their number one supporter? Perhaps you help a friend to leave a bad relationship, a job they hate, or you spend the weekend helping your Aunt to move house (and quietly thinking, hang on, how did I get roped into this one again!?).
You’re there for everyone else BUT, when it comes to yourself, you don’t have the same level of commitment, you don’t cheer for yourself, and you don’t prioritise yourself. This isn’t being kind to yourself.
The Trap Of “Doing” More
We think that being busy and doing more will make us feel good. Most of us never stop ‘doing’. Maybe you have a busy family life, and you’re trying to have a successful career, get fitter, healthier, and show up to every social event.
If you’re someone who always has a full diary, it’s helpful to stop and ask, why do you feel the need to do all these things?
If you’re really honest with yourself, it may be because you feel you need to do them in order to be accepted and liked by others. If you do all of these things, then you’ve ticked all the right boxes, and surely then you’ll be worthy and likeable, right?
You get caught up into subconsciously thinking that your self-worth is dependent on what others think of you. Essentially, you’re outsourcing your self-worth, your value and your happiness to external events and situations. This is not true self-worth, and this is not a truly happy life to live.
If that’s you, then maybe you don’t value yourself or like yourself as much as you should.
You can be going to the gym 5 times a week, having a smoothie for breakfast, meditating, sleeping well, and making all the “healthy” choices, but you still feel like you’re not ‘doing enough’. I know, because this was me.
And the truth is, if that’s you too, it will never feel like you’re doing enough if you’re in that cycle. You’ll always feel like you should be doing MORE.
Just to be clear, if you’re taking action to feel healthier (eating better, getting more active, sleeping more etc) that’s great, and I am not saying you shouldn’t. Of course, we need to take action to live a happier life.
BUT you must realise the very important difference between ‘doing’ things to improve your life and your value as a person. Those two things are often intertwined in people’s minds, and this is the problem.
If the reason you’re going to the gym or over committing your diary is because you want to feel accepted, loved or worthy, the truth is that this is a never-ending trap. Got fitter, lost some weight? “Ah but I still can’t see my abs”. Ran your first 5k? “But I was really slow. I must get quicker”. Just been promoted at work… “Ah but my manager still earns more than me, I wish I was at that level”. And so it goes on. Where does it stop?
You can listen to all the podcasts, read the books and take action to live a healthier and happier life. But what I’ve learnt is that while all those things are great, and will bring enormous benefits, if you’re not being kind enough to yourself, you’re never going to feel as good or as happy as you deserve to.
Understanding a true sense of self-worth
True self-worth and self-acceptance starts within.
You need to recognise that what you think of yourself is all that matters, and finding your worth and value as a person is an internal job, not an external one. It’s within us. Our thoughts define us. A truly happy life starts and ends in our own minds.
We make the mistake of thinking that what others think of us is more important than what we think of ourselves. Our validation and worth as a person ends up depending on what someone else thinks of us. If someone likes you or thinks you’re funny or clever, then you feel funny, clever or liked. But this is the wrong way round, it shouldn’t be dependent on what someone else thinks of you.
The negative voice in your head will hold you back. You might not even be aware of it right now, but if you’re constantly on the go, racing from one commitment to the next and always feel that need to do more, then I bet you lack a sense of self-worth too.
We have to separate the things we do from our self-worth.
I wish I’d understood this sooner!
Often the reason why you are overly critical of yourself is because you lack self-worth. Maybe you feel stuck right now, maybe you don’t feel optimistic about the future, maybe you don’t know how to achieve your dreams. If you want to feel more positive about the future, you need to start by feeling more positive about yourself.
The answer to developing a true sense of self-worth is all about improving the relationship you have with yourself.
Our self-worth starts and ends with us.
You have always been enough
The good news is that when you realise that you aren’t treating yourself with the kindness you deserve, you can do something about it, and you will feel SO much better than you ever thought was possible.
That busy brain won’t be constantly full of critical thoughts, you’ll feel a space open up, and have a lighter, positive and happier outlook. This happened to me, and it can happen for you too.
Ryan Holiday writes beautifully about how you have always been enough. You are enough. Right now. And when you truly get that, and you can approach life in a kinder, more compassionate way towards yourself, the far happier you’ll be. Yes, go for the run, start the Pilates class, eat the kale, but you’ll be doing it because you want to, not because you’ll like yourself as a result of doing these things. Like yourself first.
There is a wealth of research that shows the impact of being kinder to ourselves on our wellbeing. Self-acceptance is essential for our happiness; yet this is something we never practice, we’re not taught, and we often neglect.
In future blog posts, we’ll explore different ways to be kinder to ourselves, because turning this key will unlock a whole world full of possibility and happiness.
As my sister said to me, “you are always our biggest cheerleader and supporter, just imagine your life when you can do that for yourself too?!”. I hope that fills you with as much excitement and possibility for your future as it did for me.
You are enough. You are worthy. You deserve to be happy.
Further reading/ listening on this topic:
- “The High 5 Habit” by Mel Robbins
- *“Stillness Is The Key” by Ryan Holiday (especially the chapter “Enough” in Part 2 of the book)
- “Mel Robbins On How To Take Control Of Your Life With One Simple Habit” on the Feel Better, Live More Podcast (Episode #220)
- “Chatter: The Voice In Our Head And How To Harness It” by Ethan Kross