Saying yes to too many things is something that many of us struggle with. Maybe we’re people pleasers, perfectionists or we don’t want to miss out on opportunities. So, we accept every invitation that comes our way, and before we know it, our diaries are over booked, and we’re feeling overwhelmed and stressed. I am sure you can relate to that feeling?
I have fallen into this trap for years, and it’s a hard habit to break.
But the good news… When you stop saying yes all the time, you’ll feel so much better. You will start to create time, energy and space for the things in your life that you truly care about, rather than trying to do it all.
Is your diary always booked up?
If you’re anything like me, maybe your life goes like this…
You say yes to nearly every invitation, and before you know it, all your evenings and weekends are busy. For me, not only did it make me feel overwhelmed, but I was feeling a deeper-seated angst inside me. I always felt like I was never quite doing the things that I ACTUALLY wanted to do. Sure, I was doing ‘nice’ things – catching up with friends, going out for dinner or drinks and trying to be a good sister, daughter and friend, but I wasn’t prioritising my needs and wants. Sometimes I was meeting up with people who I wasn’t even that bothered about seeing but felt obliged to.
What about time to relax, or time to practice other hobbies and interests (including this blog)? I had no time for those, and it never feels good when you aren’t doing the things that you want to do.
Also, it may sound obvious, but one of the quickest ways to burnout or to feel stressed is to take on too much. It means you can’t think clearly, make good decisions or enjoy the things that you are doing. You end up feeling like you’re on a treadmill going from one activity to the next, and you can’t get off.
The cost of saying yes
There’s always a cost to saying yes. A yes to one thing means a no to something else. For example, a busy weekend full of activities is a no to time to relax after a busy week. Saying yes to drinks after work is a no to the exercise you had planned to do that evening. Many of us go through our lives saying yes to nearly everything, wondering where the time has gone and never getting to our dreams, goals or the things that we really want.
Next time you find yourself agreeing to do something, try to stop and pause a minute. Ask yourself, by saying yes to this, what does it mean I am saying no to? There’s always a trade-off. Ultimately, it’s a decision, and only you can decide if this is a trade you’re willing to keep making.
“What are you really being asked to give? Often it’s a piece of your life for something that you don’t even want.”
Ryan Holiday
Don’t live an average life!
“Most of us have lives filled with mediocrity. We said yes to things that we felt half-hearted about. We miss out on the great because we’re busy with the mediocre.”
Derek Sivers
Read that quote, and read it again! It really hit me, and I hope it hits you too. Isn’t it true? We live our lives on autopilot, never really thinking about the things that we are agreeing to. The cost of that is that we are not working on the things that we REALLY love or want, because we aren’t prioritising them. So we end up living an average life, and we don’t do the things that excite us.
Here are two more gems from Derek Sivers on this topic, which I loved…
“If you’re not feeling hell yeah then say NO”
“Say yes to less. Then when you find something you’re excited about, you have the time and energy to give it your attention”
Do you know what you want?
It’s easy to say yes to everything when you’re not really sure what you want to do with your time, or you don’t have any clear goals or dreams. Or maybe you’re filling your diary up as a way to distract yourself from the fact that you’re not very happy with your life.
If you know what you want from your life, it gives you more clarity over which things to say yes to, and which ones to say no to. You can say no to things that don’t align with what you want, and say yes to the things that do.
So the question is, what do you want?
What does that mean you need to stop saying yes to, in order to free space and time to make it happen?
“Refuse almost everything. Do almost nothing. But the things you do, do them all the way”
Derek Sivers
Letting opportunities pass you by
For many of us, saying no doesn’t come naturally, we want to please people, and we have huge insecurities about missing out. What if we say no to that invitation and then never get asked again? What if we’re trying to grow a business? Surely, we should say yes to every opportunity along the way?
These are all thoughts and insecurities I have grappled with over the last few years. But the more I learnt from successful people, people who had the kind of lives I aspire to have, the more I realised that they had one thing in common. They were really clear and focused on ONE thing, and they said no to nearly everything else. This meant that they had the space, time and capacity to go really deep on the one area they were focused on, which led to their success.
Importantly, they also had a huge advantage over other people who were doing it more half-heartedly. Remember, most people are busy living mediocre lives, and aren’t focused enough on the things that really enthuse them.
Don’t let yourself off the hook because you’re telling yourself that you need to say yes to every opportunity. Instead, get clear on WHICH opportunities to say yes to, and which ones not to.
Top Tips: How to say No
As discussed, saying no isn’t an easy thing to do, but it’s a skill that you can and should practice. I still really struggle with this, and find myself slipping up and agreeing to too many things sometimes. When I need to get back on track, the following tips have really helped, and I hope they help you too.
1.Ask yourself, if this thing (event, activity) that I’ve been invited to in 3 months’ time was happening tomorrow, would I want to do it?
This is a really useful question, because often we say yes to things that seem a long way away, but when we get near to them, we wonder why we ever agreed to it and dread going, by which time it’s too late to say no.
Instead, use this question to help you. If you wouldn’t want to do it tomorrow, say no! You’ll save yourself all the mental anguish later when the event comes round and you have to either go kicking your heels or wriggle out of it last minute (which also never feels good).
2. By saying yes to this, what am I saying no to? There’s always a hidden cost. Am I ok with that?
3.Is saying yes to this going to cause me to spread myself too thin? If so, is it worth it? Remember, when you’re trying to do too many things, you can’t do any of them well.
4.Does this thing/ activity/ invitation align with my purpose, goals, dreams, or what I want in my life?
5.What’s driving my urge to say yes? Is it insecurity, fear of missing out, not wanting to let people down?
Maybe you’ve always agreed to this thing, so you feel obliged to keep doing it. Lean into what’s truly driving you to feel you need to say yes. Understand where it’s coming from and know that if it’s fear, insecurity or social pressure, these are all things you can and should work on to unlock the life you truly want.
6.And finally, if in doubt, SAY NO! Remember, Hell yeah or no!
If you’re someone who has always agreed to everything and generally over commits, you’re going to find it really hard to say no at first (myself included!). Change is always difficult and uncomfortable. But it’s always worth it.
Keep reminding yourself that saying no to things is clearing the space and time to focus on doing what you truly love.
Time is our most precious resource! Use it wisely.
“The advantages of nonaction. Few in the world obtain these”
The Daodejing